virginia's musings

By ‘surrender,’ I don’t mean give up (please do not call Paw Patrol, y’all—it’s a figure of speech!). I just mean I’m going to loosen my grip a bit.

I’ve always fought making mistakes. I have always, somehow, unconsciously striven for perfection. This conception of perfection isn’t even what the world has ordered me to strive for. Rather, I’d like to think it is a version of perfection curated by my desires for this physical existence. Rules I’ve created in my head of what I ‘need’ to do, and how I ‘need’ to be.

On one hand, I think it is beautiful to be gifted with vision. To strive for a version of yourself that does not yet exist, while centering your own perspective on greatness and ignoring the external noise. It’s actually hilarious because there have been so many foreign forces I have encountered on this journey of life, who have given me “notes” on what to contort into. I’m really hardheaded because 99% of the time I will look at a note and if it doesn’t align with my spirit, I just say, “yeah, nah, I’m not doing that.” I will carry on and thrive even HARDER, having ignored the note.

The gag is, though, this self-curated version of myself I strive for is still a manifestation of oppressive pressure from the outside world. I am those external forces. What I inflict upon myself is a V-ified version of this world’s expectations. It’s just a prettier manifestation of these expectations, one that I’ve put a personal touch on. How much of this idealized V in my head is actually unwittingly created by people in my life: family, friends, teachers, and supervisors? I digress.

No lie, this self-imagined V is awesome and great, and I have reached so many aspects of this idealized higher self. However, it causes me much suffering when I do not do the things I have asked myself to do. When I don’t keep promises to myself, it creates the feeling I had as a kid when a parent/adult family member made a promise they could not keep. For instance, when an adult would tell me they would get me ‘X’ toy if I fulfilled ‘Y’ condition. I would satisfy ‘Y’ condition, but what stood between me and receiving ‘X’ from my caretaker was a plethora of excuses. I can’t disappoint inner, little V like this!

This internal dilemma connects to how I am learning to trust myself again, with a key example being sobriety. Girl. I had the strongest urge to smoke a fat spliff this evening (note: this was largely written on 4/20), to escape into another world. However, I told myself I would ride out this sober year, and I want to signal to Virginia that she is safe in the promises she makes to herself.

Man, I’m feeling so angsty on a random Monday evening in April. I can’t help it that I’m a Cancer moon, or that this has been the coldest day D.C. has experienced in the last couple of weeks. Or, that it’s 4/20 and I’m 6 months sober. Cheers.

Sorry, I was talking about surrender. All of this to say, a goal of mine this 26th year is to move more in flow. Staring at the Potomac River for a good portion of my Saturday inspired this feeling. The Potomac is powerful and ferocious. There are also parts of her where, if you find yourself lost in her currents, you won’t come out on the other side alive. But there are also sections of the river where geese can peacefully wade, where she is still. Places where young men can safely jump off cliffs into her depths and, with ease, swim back to shore. All of this is the Potomac.

I like being around bodies of water. They make me feel grounded, yet still open to the eccentricities of the day-to-day. Water doesn’t grip too tightly (except when she does, like in whirlpools? Usually, she is chilling, though). She just moves in waves. She doesn’t have to prove herself or frantically correct herself. She just allows ebbs and flows.

Water also never asked me to personify her, to use her as a metaphor to make sense of the war in my mind, but like water, I’m not asking for permission here. This is just me observing my thoughts. I’m going to surrender to being okay with being wrong, being bad (whew, that’s a whole separate conversation), and knowing that I can always safely crash or softly ebb into my shores despite the outcome.

Is all of this just me going through a form of ego death? I swear I have an ego death every other week. Anyway, until my next musing.